Carpet Creeper

On Friday, I received the following message from a guy who had no profile, just a picture of a square of gridded carpet. He was listed as my age and nearby. I present the following conversation to you without running dialogue or any editing (although the lack of punctuation makes me twitch) so you can experience this in the same way I did.

He: Hey how are you doing Sweetie? You are very pretty

You are very pretty

Me: Thank you. You are very waffle-like.

He: Thank you I will send you a pic

Me: That would be nice

He: Can I email it to you

Me: [special email for online dating inserted here]

He: Give me a few minutes and I will send u one Sweetie

U into stocky guys

Me: Yes

He: Ok cool

I am 5’10 290 short brown hair hazel eyes goatee

Me: Cool. No pic?

He: I am sending it.

Me: Ok. So I notice your profile says “available” not single. Are you married?

He: I am going through a separation

Me: Gotcha.

He: U still interested

Me: Do you still live together?

He: Currently we do not sleep together she is moving out after thabksgiving

U still interested

Me: I prefer to wait until you live apart.

He: Ok

What about friends with benefits for now

Me: Wouldn’t we have to be friends first?

He: That is what I am saying us be friends now and add benefits part til she gone

Me: Add benefits until she’s gone? Or after?

He: Til she is gone then we start a dating relationship.

Me: Wouldn’t that be a little backwards?

He: Not really

Me: So why did your current relationship end?

He: She does care about sex period and do not get along

Me: That’s too bad. How long were you together?

He: 10 years do u like sex

Me: I do like sex.

He: Good so do I

I love giving oral.

Me: Nice. So you are really just looking for sex, not a relationship then.

He: Yes I want both how about u

Me: I’m looking for a relationship

He: Would u concider on a first date

Me: Consider what?

He: Sex on a first date

Me: With the right person, maybe. But I would need to feel a connection first.

He: That is cool you like to receive oral

Me: If it is done right.

He: I know how to do it

Me: Still no pic

He: I will resend it

Me: Thanks

[I never received a pic. Big surprise.]

  1. I found my needle online. It does happen. But I lost my needle and want a new one. I meet your criteria. Can I needle you?

  2. Oh, girl….the stories you and I could trade about our online dating experiences…….finding a non-creepy guy online, who is attractive, smart, funny, with good grammar and punctuation, with a job and his own place, is like finding a needle in a stack of needles….