Dear Joey,
My girlfriend has a male friend whom she has known a month longer than me. He lives [in another state] and has severe depression. He goes through these phases where he will get “needy” and constantly text or call her. I have expressed my dislike of this, since she really cannot be expected to devote all her time to him. A month ago he wouldn’t let her sleep with his constant calls. She feels that she is the only one who can help him through his suicidal thoughts. Before she met me she would cyber with him because he “needed” it. Now she won’t because she is with me in a relationship. He has starting asking for her to do that again and he has expressed a desire to have sex with her. She has pulled back some from him, not answering his texts as quickly and brushing off calling him unless he is really depressed. It is obvious I do not like the time she spends with him.
Here is the problem: she wants to go meet this guy. I am fearful what could happen. I don’t think she would integrally cheat on me, but with her depression, her mood swings and [other stuff] I don’t know what she might do. How should I feel about this?
What should I say?
Fearful Fella
Dear Fearful,
You owe it to yourself to be in a healthy relationship. You cannot forbid her not to be with this guy and the more he pushes her and she responds, the less healthy it is.
If she wants to go see this guy, she knows where it will go. This guy is an obvious user and that appeals to her somehow. You need to walk away until she figures this out. You don’t need to be the guy she’s physically closer to, but emotionally farther away from. Nobody wins that way.
(Before you walk away though, strongly suggest that this guy seek counseling and local help for his suicidal thoughts and depression. There are lots of free services out there he should be turning to, not to a girl who lives several states away. )
Please know that I think this guy is totally manipulating her. But distancing herself from him has to be her decision or else you are just going to end up with her resenting you or hiding it from you.
Of course, you may not listen to this advice because you may like broken, needy girls. Perhaps this is because you feel broken yourself. Do yourself a favor and become healed and healthy first – and look for others who are working on being healed and healthy too.
Wishing you love!
–Joey
Do you agree with me? Give your opinion in the comments section.
Ok, Joey, I love you and you give great advice, but this is incredibly condescending:
Of course, you may not listen to this advice because you may like broken, needy girls. Perhaps this is because you feel broken yourself. Do yourself a favor and become healed and healthy first – and look for others who are working on being healed and healthy too.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s true … but surely there’s a nicer way to say it.
I can understand that. This was a direct dialogue with someone I know and there was a little tough love involved. He allowed me to use this email as our first mailbag sentiment.
Ah, the “I’ll do something if you don’t help me!!!!!!” syndrome. “I must have your sex!”
Wait, people still cyber?
Totally agree with you Joey! That was an excellent answer. I am a social worker and I approve this message. 😉