I feel I would be remiss if I did not finish this story, even though it may cast a somewhat disparaging light on me. I did not reply to Trotter’s last email, but within a day or so, I got another one.
“. . . I would still like to meet you for lunch one day, but I don’t want to pressure you.”
To which I replied:
“Thanks. I’m not sure that we would be a good fit – I think we have different mindsets on things.”
He thanked me for my time, complimented me again on my eyes, and went radio silent. Five days later, I received the following email from him.
“Good morning. I hope U R doing well. Curiousity has gotten the best of me. I know U R not interested in me, but I have to ask. What did I say that made you think we have different mindsets? Was it my comment about not dating outside my own race? If so, I am not racist in any way. I have black friends and black co-workers whom I treat just as I do anyone else, with the respect they deserve.”
(Okay, content aside for a minute. U R? Seriously?? You are in your 40s – you can spell it out.)
At first I was just going to ignore his email. A part of me just wanted to delete it and him from my memory. But finally, I gave in to my more wicked side.
I waited two days before answering back:
“I apologize for not getting back to you sooner. Yes, the race comment was a big turn off. I know you don’t view yourself as racist, and I get that. But I am part black – and you obviously would have an issue with that.”
Here is where you may judge me, however harshly. Can I prove that I have any black in my genetic makeup? No. But I’m French and y’all know that we are lovers, not fighters. If history has taught us nothing else, it has taught us that we French would lay down for anybody. My family tree is a rainbow of races and creeds. I know I’m multi-racial. What races? I don’t really know, nor should it matter. And that’s my point.
Here’s what Trotter answered back:
“There is no need for you to apologize. I on the other hand, want to sincerely apologize to you if I offended you in any way by my comments. I definitely did not intend to do so. I am definitely not racist/prejudice in any way. Two of my nieces are bi-racial and I love those two girls just as much as I love every other relative I have, and I am proud to be their uncle. As I said before, my step-sister is divorced from my brother-in-law, who is a black man, but they are currently back together, though they are still divorced.
I currently live with my step-sister, her ex-husband, and my two bi-racial nieces in [redacted]. I have never dated anyone outside my race, and I have chosen not to do so up to this point based solely on how some of our dumb ass family members view bi-racial marriages. I have witnessed my step-sister being treated differently by some of our family members due to her previous marriage and her two youngest children and it really angers and frustrates me. I hold NOTHING against you for being bi-racial. I base my opinion of you based solely on you, not your race, skin pigment, education, etc.
In my opinion you are a pretty, intelligent woman, whom I am still interested in, but I understand my comment turned you off and I REALLY hate that. I have no issue(s) with you being bi-racial, and that would not keep me in any way from wanting to meet you, learning more about you, or date you, but I understand if you choose to not talk to me again. Take care and again I am sorry.”
I appreciate that he apologized. I appreciate that that he tried to make amends. He’s still an idiot, but I appreciate what he tried to say. And that he willingly admitted that he’s not man enough to face his family who may be more racist than he is.
The one statement that really stuck in my craw was this:
“. . . I base my opinion of you based solely on you, not your race, skin pigment, education, etc.. . “
I wanted to ask him why I was afforded such a privilege of stayed judgment, when the black woman who had contacted him originally was not given that same respect. Since, y’know, he gives the same level of respect to every black person that he gives everyone else.
I didn’t respond, and I won’t. I could go on, but I won’t do that either.
Besides, I’ve found something much better. But that’s another story.
I have to agree with BatDoc about this not being an example of someone being prejudiced. First we have to look at what the word actually means, which is basically forming a negative opinion about someone based on their race without any real knowledge about them. Physical attraction, to most people, is an important factor in dating someone. It seems like you made one of two assumptions about this guy: 1. he dates within his own race because of some unfounded negative opinion he has about other races and that is prejudiced 2. he dates within his own race because he find those with physical features more common to his race attractive and that is prejudiced. Although you never asked him why (unless I missed it) I’m guessing it’s the #2. Your race does effect how you look; hair/eye/skin color, height, build, bone structure, etc. It’s just scientific fact. Let’s say I don’t like the way dark, straight hair and white skin look. Does that mean I’m prejudiced, since chinese/japanese (and probably other races too) folks usually have these features? Or what if I prefer curvy ladies to skinny ones? I’m not sure if there’s a race more prone to that body type. If there isn’t does that mean it’s an acceptable physical feature to prefer? Then where do we draw the line? You can only have a “type” of woman/man you prefer if that type does not exclude a certain race? Anyway, I’m not aggressively disagreeing or trying to be confrontational, I’ve enjoyed reading your blog. If there’s something to either of yalls viewpoint that I’m misrepresenting or misinterpreting let me know.
It’s not a silly thing to point out…SWJ, it’s how close-minded some people are. Take Westboro Baptist Church as a prime and extreme example.
And yes, you can discriminate against Jewish people and not be a Nazi, but if you discriminate against Jewish people, you know what other people are going to call you…that’s right, a Nazi.
So it’s okay to lie to make a point. Awesome.
Finally, why do you assume I’m a white dude? As a matter of fact, I’m actually bi-racial. So I think I can at least speak halfway on black versus African American. So next time you decide to be prejudiced and assume I’m a “white dude,” perhaps you should find out a little more about me.
And to Charlize Theron, I would romance the hell out of her. Unless she asked me to cut the bullshit and just bang the hell out of her.
OK, first of all, “just because I don’t find men attractive doesn’t mean I hate gay people?” Really? In what universe does not being gay mean you hate gay people? That’s a silly thing to point out.
Secondly, there’s a world of difference between discriminating against Jewish people and being a Nazi, so you can definitely do one without being the other.
Thirdly, no one is arguing this guy’s right to his personal preference– however rooted in unchecked white privilege and prejudice it may be. He has a right to think and act as he chooses, and Joey has a right to reject would-be friends and associates based on their prejudices and opinions. And telling him she was bi-racial and in so doing calling him out on assuming that it’s safe to share his prejudices with people as long as they’re of the same privileged status? Genius.
And finally, as a white dude, why on earth do you think you get to decide between the terms black vs. African American? Those identifiers belong to the people they describe– NOT to you. Also, that Charlize Theron comment? Way to keep it classy.
As far as Charlize Theron is concerned, I thought she was South African, but you’re right, she is gorgeous, and just a lovely person.
As a person who went from one extreme to another (meaning that I went from dating exclusively one race over another, to dating across the spectrum), I think personal preference can form your mindset, and can lead to prejudice. It takes broadening your view to rounding out your mindset. It will either solidify your views on your opinions, or change them.
This is a clear mislabeling. And this is what I hate about all the political correctness in today’s society. There is a difference between a personal preference and being racist.
Just because I don’t find men attractive doesn’t mean I hate gay people. Just because I don’t find Jewish women attractive, doesn’t make me a Nazi. I don’t find Jewish women attractive because I’m not a fan of religion and those who are strongly religious. In fact, I would say the same thing about a devout Christian. Even though my preference is not black women, I don’t say African American women because after all Charlize Theron is African American (born in South Africa) and I would bang the hell out of her. But those are all my personal preferences. People should be free to date who they like.
This guy Trotter is the same way. He merely expressed a personal preference, and now he has to feel like he needs to apologize for that personal preference when he shouldn’t have to explain himself, much less apologize.
And what is worse, you lied to make him feel bad about it, when, in fact, he hadn’t judged you at all. You didn’t get a free pass on judgment. He liked you, so you got the same treatment as anyone he found attractive, race, religion, color, or creed notwithstanding. And he technically didn’t judge the other woman either. He just stated he didn’t date outside his race, so although he might be her friend or like her, he’s not on POF to find a friend.
I respect your right to your opinion. I reject it, but I respect your right.
You are totes my hero.
That is high praise and I will wear it with honor 🙂
It’ll be OK, his blinders are slowly coming off. The worry for him is by the time he stops worrying about what his family thinks, he’ll be too old to use what he’s got! 😉