Like A Moth To A Brain

The hardest part about constantly putting yourself out there is knowing that every time you do, you may stumble and fall. I do that a lot. In my eagerness to chase that which is good, sometimes I stub my toe or bruise a knee on the sticks waving the red flags.

This is the case with the knight. I’ve had to take a huge step back and turn and head off in another direction. It hurts – there are things about him that I enjoy tremendously. He is a talented writer – and wrote wonderful emails and short stories. He would cross his arms on the table and make this face and his hair would fall this certain way . . . and it would just do things to me. We have so much in common, and he reminded me of things about myself that I might have forgotten. He even took me on a picnic in the park – and I got to sit for hours enjoying the breeze on my face, watching the ducks and geese fly and swim, and just “be” for a bit.

But there are certain paths I have been down before, and even though I might be better at navigating the rocky trail this time around, I just can’t bring myself to go there again.

“Personality draws you like a moth to an open flame . . .” Rocker observed.

He’s right. The most attractive thing to me about anybody is their emotions and how they connect to them: twinkling eyes, animated enthusiasm about things or ideas, passionate intensity; raw sadness, shy appreciation, deep concentration. The recognition that the person I am talking to is more than an automaton, an operating humanoid. That they are not just keeping me in the lobby of their soul, but actually letting me see and maybe walk in to the cerebral rooms of who they are and really understand what motivates them.

So it’s back to the drawing boards for Joey. I’m talking to 2 new fellows – one from PlentyofFish, one from OKCupid. An email also arrived with a special deal on eHarmony – it was so good, I decided to give it a try for 3 months. Maybe guys who pay to meet me will be different? Course, I’m paying to meet them too, so that raises the bar. Last time I was on eHarmony, I met Tide Boy – it cost me $238, but I found a friend for life and those are priceless, aren’t they?

I keep telling myself that.

Here’s another post I found on my old OKCupid journal that I thought you might like to see.  I had an eHarmony profile back in those days – and I’m not sure if the process has changed or not – but back then you had to choose a reason whenever you wanted to delete a match from your account. This was originally written in December 2007.

I have been having fun on eHarmony today. Well, not really “fun” but going through and closing out all the recent matches they have sent me.”Closing” a match means that you are no longer interested in the candidate. eHarmony doesn’t allow you to close the match without selecting a reason – here are your options and my interpretation of the actual reason one might pick. 
I think our family backgrounds are too different.
You are redneck, and I am above the likes of you.I have too much happening in my life at the moment.
You look like drama. I already have drama. Thank you, please move on.

I don’t feel that the chemistry is there.
There are not enough drugs in the world that would make you look good to me.

I don’t think our Must Haves and Can’t Stands fit. (This is a list of 10 things you want and don’t want in a mate)
You are way too demanding.

I think the physical distance between us is too great.
This is the default answer for almost everyone, I think. “Physical distance” can mean a lot of things including: ‘you are too short’, ‘i don’t want to hurt your feelings so I’ll blame gas prices’ or ‘i don’t think you are worth the drive.’

I want to pursue other matches at eHarmony.
There’s got to be SOMEBODY better than you out there for me.

I am pursuing another relationship.
Totally legit answer – but it can sometimes make you feel like – I found somebody else, you missed your chance with me, too late! and I found someone – you never will.

I’m just not ready for the next step.
You live too close for the “physical distance” answer – but I just can’t stand the thought of being with you.

I am taking a break from dating.
Thanks, I’ll pass on dating YOU – my break will be over when someone hot comes along.

I would rather not say.
Mom says, if you can’t say anything nice . . .

This match never responded to my request to communicate.
I reached out to you, you ignored me, and now I’m telling!

I think the difference in age between us is too great.
Go hit on someone from the nursing home, grandpa!

I think the difference in our values is too great.
Like I have some, and you don’t . . .

Based on statements in their profile, I’m not interested in this match.
Their profile contains the babblings of a psycho alien or unibomber.

Because there are no photos posted/I couldn’t see any photos.
Cause you could be ugly, and I don’t date ugly.

Because I was put on Hold.
Think you can put me on the backburner so you’ll have a fallback when Miss America dumps you? Homey don’t think so.

Because we are communicating outside of eHarmony
I’ve got his digits, I don’t want him holding up my chances for someone else . . .

There is something so wrong with you, I can’t even put it in to words.