{"id":396,"date":"2013-11-18T09:11:52","date_gmt":"2013-11-18T14:11:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/joeywrites.com\/?p=396"},"modified":"2013-11-18T09:11:52","modified_gmt":"2013-11-18T14:11:52","slug":"carpet-creeper","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/joeywrites.com\/?p=396","title":{"rendered":"Carpet Creeper"},"content":{"rendered":"

On Friday, I received the following message from a guy who had no profile, just a picture of a square of gridded carpet. He was listed as my age and nearby. I present the following conversation to you without running dialogue or any editing (although the lack of punctuation makes me twitch) so you can experience this in the same way I did.<\/em><\/p>\n

He: Hey how are you doing Sweetie? You are very pretty<\/p>\n

You are very pretty<\/strong><\/p>\n

Me: Thank you. You are very waffle-like.<\/p>\n

He: Thank you I will send you a pic<\/strong><\/p>\n

Me: That would be nice<\/p>\n

He: Can I email it to you<\/strong><\/p>\n

Me: [special email for online dating inserted here]<\/p>\n

He: Give me a few minutes and I will send u one Sweetie<\/p>\n

U into stocky guys<\/strong><\/p>\n

Me: Yes<\/p>\n

He: Ok cool<\/p>\n

I am 5\u201910 290 short brown hair hazel eyes goatee<\/strong><\/p>\n

Me: Cool. No pic?<\/p>\n

He: I am sending it.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Me: Ok. So I notice your profile says \u201cavailable\u201d not single. Are you married?<\/p>\n

He: I am going through a separation<\/p>\n

<\/strong>Me: Gotcha.<\/p>\n

He: U still interested<\/strong><\/p>\n

Me: Do you still live together?<\/p>\n

He: Currently we do not sleep together she is moving out after thabksgiving<\/p>\n

U still interested<\/p>\n

<\/strong>Me: I prefer to wait until you live apart.<\/p>\n

He: Ok<\/p>\n

What about friends with benefits for now<\/strong><\/p>\n

Me: Wouldn\u2019t we have to be friends first?<\/p>\n

He: That is what I am saying us be friends now and add benefits part til she gone<\/p>\n

<\/strong>Me: Add benefits until she\u2019s gone? Or after?<\/p>\n

He: Til she is gone then we start a dating relationship.<\/p>\n

<\/strong>Me: Wouldn\u2019t that be a little backwards?<\/p>\n

He: Not really<\/p>\n

<\/strong>Me: So why did your current relationship end?<\/p>\n

He: She does care about sex period and do not get along<\/strong><\/p>\n

Me: That\u2019s too bad. How long were you together?<\/p>\n

He: 10 years do u like sex<\/strong><\/p>\n

Me: I do like sex.<\/p>\n

He: Good so do I<\/p>\n

I love giving oral.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Me: Nice. So you are really just looking for sex, not a relationship then.<\/p>\n

He: Yes I want both how about u<\/strong><\/p>\n

Me: I\u2019m looking for a relationship<\/p>\n

He: Would u concider on a first date<\/p>\n

<\/strong>Me: Consider what?<\/p>\n

He: Sex on a first date<\/p>\n

<\/strong>Me: With the right person, maybe. But I would need to feel a connection first.<\/p>\n

He: That is cool you like to receive oral<\/p>\n

<\/strong>Me: If it is done right.<\/p>\n

He: I know how to do it
\n<\/strong>
\nMe: Still no pic<\/p>\n

He: I will resend it<\/p>\n

<\/strong>Me: Thanks<\/p>\n

[I never received a pic. Big surprise.]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

On Friday, I received the following message from a guy who had no profile, just a picture of a square of gridded carpet. He was listed as my age and nearby. I present the following conversation to you without running dialogue or any editing (although the lack of punctuation makes me twitch) so you can…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[3],"tags":[127,9,128,11],"class_list":["post-396","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dating","tag-available","tag-dating-2","tag-friends-with-benefits","tag-okcupid"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p2UnPK-6o","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/joeywrites.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/396","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/joeywrites.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/joeywrites.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joeywrites.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joeywrites.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=396"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/joeywrites.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/396\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/joeywrites.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=396"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joeywrites.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=396"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joeywrites.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=396"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}