{"id":159,"date":"2013-02-18T08:00:17","date_gmt":"2013-02-18T08:00:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/joeywrites.com\/?p=159"},"modified":"2013-02-18T13:28:57","modified_gmt":"2013-02-18T13:28:57","slug":"introducing-ron","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/joeywrites.com\/?p=159","title":{"rendered":"Introducing Ron . . ."},"content":{"rendered":"

Several years ago, I started sharing these “Ron” stories with my friends on an online message board.\u00a0 Rather than losing them in the the outerspace of the interwebz, I offer them here, for your enjoyment.\u00a0 There are about a dozen or so – and I’m going to post them each Monday (now dubbed Ronday) since we could all use a little something Ronulan to start us off each week.<\/em><\/p>\n

The first time I met Ron was at a holiday party I was hosting at my house. My sister and Ron showed up 2 hours late – because they were shopping for toilet paper.<\/p>\n

yes you read that right.<\/span><\/p>\n

I was the older sister (by 2 years and 363 days but who’s counting?) and so therefore you would assume a certain desire to make a good impression.<\/p>\n

What I got was my sister and Ron doing the human hand-holding contortion: His arm around her shoulder, her hand holding that hand. His other hand in her lap, her hand on his lap. Their ankles intertwined. It was a kitchen chair version of Twister.<\/p>\n

In fact, they would only break hands to feed each other food from their plates and then lick around the edges of their mouths to get the excess crumbs off.<\/p>\n

It was lovely, I tell ya.<\/span><\/p>\n

So, as the party is breaking up and my sister (y’know – the one Ron has been pawing for the past hour) is in the bathroom, and my friend Tina’s husband is off getting their coats, Ron starts chatting up Tina:<\/p>\n

“You know, I manage a restaurant downtown. You should really stop by some time for lunch – y’know, if you are off shopping by yourself. Just c’mon by my place and have lunch on me – you’ll love it. If you time it right, I should be able to join you – it’ll be great<\/em>!”<\/p>\n

Tina is a little naive sometimes, so she isn’t sure how to take that. She just smiles and thanks him for the offer. Ron takes that as a good sign.<\/p>\n

“Yeah, y’know, I practically run the place, and I invest in shares of the business, so I’m an owner too. You should really stop by. Really.”<\/em><\/p>\n

At this point, I’ve heard it too – and turn to look at Ron. He’s looking very self-assured and I’m sure he thinks he’s suave.<\/p>\n

My sister returns at that point and I say, “Wow, hun, Ron was just\u00a0inviting us downtown for lunch sometime – wasn’t that nice of him?”<\/em><\/p>\n

My sister said, “Not me – I can’t stand eating at Burger King. No offense, sweetheart.”<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Several years ago, I started sharing these “Ron” stories with my friends on an online message board.\u00a0 Rather than losing them in the the outerspace of the interwebz, I offer them here, for your enjoyment.\u00a0 There are about a dozen or so – and I’m going to post them each Monday (now dubbed Ronday) since…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[37],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-159","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-the-ron-blogs"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p2UnPK-2z","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/joeywrites.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/159","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/joeywrites.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/joeywrites.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joeywrites.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joeywrites.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=159"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/joeywrites.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/159\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/joeywrites.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=159"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joeywrites.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=159"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/joeywrites.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=159"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}