He contacted me again.
We’ve been broken up for a year, and yet he still is part of my thoughts. Some thoughts are kind, some . . . well, not so much. Sometimes I want to hate him, but what does that solve?
Today wasn’t one of those days. No, today he messaged me to say he found a few more things of mine as he was packing up his house to sell it. I waited for the usual adrenalin surge of anxiety– a normally crashing wave that retreats quickly but leaves me feeling the effects for hours after.
This time? Nothing. A mild curiosity of what other things may have been found. A little bit of a desire to text back and say, “wow, all these changes you said you would never make – and you made them all in a year.” But that would serve no beneficial purpose, and I’m better than that (or at least will continue to pretend to be until it’s true – “fake it till you make it” style.)
When I first realized that I wasn’t all aghast, I mused that it could be because I have someone who makes me happy right now. I’ve actually been very fortunate – each time he has contacted me, I’ve had, for however briefly, a potential romantic someone in my life. But I think it’s more than that.
I love the title of Sarah McLachlan’s album “Fumbling Towards Ecstasy.” I just love that phrase. Fumbling towards Ecstasy.
I fumble for the bathroom every morning. Contacts stuck to my eyeballs, toes trying to avoid stubbing themselves on random shoes and clothes on the floor, fingers trying to find the light switch, hoping to make my destination before it’s too late. Fumbling, stumbling, eyes half-opened, trying not to fall. Unsure, trying to get there, lacking confidence or knowledge of the perfect path.
Well, that’s me in a nutshell. I’m a great fumbler. But to fumble towards ecstasy – well, that means that you are moving towards a positive. And although you might have to deal with some dirty laundry along the way, you are moving forward, trending in the right direction. Willing to reach out and feel it, knowing you might touch something you don’t want to in order to find something you do.
I don’t know what exactly I’ve found yet. But the closer I get, the warmer the sun feels, the sweeter the birds’ song in my ear. It could just be a rest area on the journey – but some rest areas have the best scenic views, don’t they?
A lot of my friends have been posting things they are thankful for this month. Well, this is one of mine. I’m thankful that today, I’m fumbling forward with good things ahead.