It’s great that she is very attentive, but not what I need,” my friend told me in chat.
Do you have a list of what you do and do not need?” I typed back.
Not yet,” he answered.  “I play the dating game by the seat of my pants.”

Back in January 2008, after ending another doomed dating relationship, I sat down and came up with a list – a relationship credo, if you will – of what I felt I could bring to a relationship, and what I felt I needed from someone to help balance me.

Even after 5 years, it’s still pretty close to what I feel I need and can give back.  I don’t expect one man to fulfill everything on that list, but ideally it’s what I think would help me be balanced.  Of course, my life is a lot busier than it was back then – but it still makes for interesting reading.

What I need in a relationship:
  • Someone who is truly looking for a life partner: a friend, lover, and co-participant in our lives together – someone to work together with to build the lives we want.
  • Someone who keeps in touch at least 1-2x times a day, either with texts or phone calls so that I know they are thinking about me and that they are ok.
  • Someone who can have conversations with me – to freely exchange ideas back and forth on a topic – to get excited and passionate about things – to hear each others thoughts, hopes, dreams, funny stories – not just the weather or the day’s activities.
  • Someone who will set time aside for us. Focused, un-distracted time together.
  • Romance. I like little gifts, flowers, e-cards, funny pictures, being told I’m cute or sexy and loved. A note in the pocket, a card mailed to work, a flower on my pillow.
  • Someone with a ready laugh and ability to look on the funny and positive side of life.
  • Someone I can touch – someone I see on a regular basis, and who, if there is distance, is prepared to adjust our lives to be closer together when the time is right (which is not years and years down the road).
  • Someone who likes to hold hands when we are walking, touch when we are sitting, and is not afraid to show affection in public, but not molest me in front of the family.
  • Someone who enjoys sex and is not inhibited in the bedroom, ready to explore. 
  • Someone who doesn’t try to keep me like a dirty little secret. To introduce me to their friends & family as appropriate – I want them to know I exist.
  • Someone who accepts me as I am – my past, my open and flirty nature, my friendships and loyalties. Who doesn’t look down on me for my past mistakes or for my less than conservative ways.
  • Someone who has their own friends and has things to do, and will invite me along, but doesn’t expect us to be inseparable. We need time alone and with our friends, too.
  • I don’t want to live separate lives – I don’t think we should do everything apart. But I do think that there are times when we should be comfortable enough to be in the same room together doing different things – like reading & watching TV, etc.
  • That being said, I do think we need to dedicate time together and when our time together is limited, I think we should work at making it count.
  • Someone who can handle finances, who can make decisions and act on them, who can take leadership, who can be creative and spontaneous, who doesn’t wait for me to do or fix everything, but also doesn’t try be all-controlling – that wants my input, but can take care of things on their own as well when needed.
  • Someone who will stand with me when I am in trouble, or being mistreated. Who will not shy away from conflict when it’s unavoidable, but will also help me maintain the right focus when I’ve let myself get too worked up over something trivial or unsubstantiated.
In return, I promise to give to a relationship:
  • A willing partner in the life we create together.
  • To be there when you call, and to reply to your text and phone calls, as well as initiating them myself without hounding or stalking you.
  • To talk to you about what I’m thinking, and listen to you and discuss what’s going on with you.. A readiness to share my ideas and opinions.
  • A willing ear to listen to what’s going on. In fact, when you call I will walk away from my computer or tv and go in to a room where I can concentrate totally on you. And when I am with you and you are talking, I will focus my attention on you.
  • Romance – I love to give and take care of my partner! An abundance of goodies from my kitchen and heart – including the texts, cards, and little touches that I also want.
  • A ready laugh for jokes and funny stories – and to help you laugh with me.
  • A willingness to travel, and even relocate, to make a relationship work.
  • A willing pair of lips to kiss, soft and tender caresses, and an adventurous nature.
  • An open invitation to meet my family and friends whenever you want.
  • To accept you as who you are, to not dwell too much on the past, but our future.
  • To not be overly-clingy, and will not expect you to spend every minute with me.
  • To not nag you if you are doing something important to you, like football.
  • To not always choose other things over you, and commit to time we spend together.
  • To accept your advice, stand behind decisions you make for us, to not expect you to do or fix everything, to not control or countermand, to provide input and not just say “I don’t know”, and to take care of things I can take care of when you can’t. A desire to help out when I can, and hang back when that’s preferred. An ability to be flexible and spontaneous, as well as dependable.
  • To stand by you in times of trouble, to look out for you if you are incapable to look out for yourself in time of sickness. To not avoid conflict, and not try to create unneeded drama. To play devil’s advocate when appropriate, and to help alleviate the stress in your life.

Do you have a list?  Or do you, too, “fly by the seat of your pants?”