Ron is real and the inspiration for the Rondays. Ronulians are Ronlike. Ronduhs put up with them. Happy Ronday!
My friend Dave is a very big-hearted guy, and last year when a new friend of ours, Malcolm, was relocating to the area, he offered to let Mal move in as a roommate.
Everything was great at first, Mal found a job and was doing really well. Then Mal had an injury and was laid up on the couch for a couple of weeks trying to recover. Only, Mal started enjoying being laid up so much that he didn’t return to work, just sat like a lump on Dave’s couch. So much so that he actually carved out a butt-shaped permant dent in the couch. He would actually watch whole seasons of tv shows on Netflix in one sitting – even watched whole series from that position – so we started referring to Malcom as “the Lump.”
Not that Lump wasn’t looking for jobs. He’d tell anyone who’d listen about all the jobs he’d applied for. I actually work for a staffing agency, so I tried to give him some pointers about job-hunting, resume writing, and the like. I never went so far as to offer him a job though – because I didn’t think he would be able to transition me from friend to “boss lady.” It’s not like I hid it from him, I just avoided bringing up that I was hiring.
However, Lump came across one of my online job postings and excitedly messaged me on Facebook. In his head, just knowing me got him the job. I politely promised to review his resume but explained that we were a little slow at the warehouse.
A week or so went by, and I had been scraping the bottom of the barrell for new temps to hire for the warehouse. And feeling guilty, not for Lump’s sake, but for Dave’s, I decided to pull up Lump’s online application and see what I could. Only, I couldn’t find it. . .
I messaged Lump on Facebook and told him I couldn’t find his app. Lump went by a few different nicknames, so I thought maybe i had his real name wrong, or was spelling his name wrong, or something. He messaged back the correct spelling and even copy and pasted the text from our website confirming that he had applied. I looked again but still couldn’t find it. Not having time to mess with it, I moved on and hired some other people. Another week or so went by and Lump was getting Lumpier. The couch cushion was getting flatter. Poor Dave was getting more and more stressed out.
Finally, against my better judgment, I decided that I would find that application if it killed me – and give Lump a job – just to get him off Dave’s poor, oppressed couch. I searched every way I could (understand, I had hundreds of online apps to look through) and then finally decided to go back and manually go through each online app. Still nothing under any version of his name. Finally, I decided to go to just the day he first contacted me and open every online file from that day.
AND THEN I FOUND HIM!
His name on his application? Charlotte North Carolina.
With all the hundreds of applications that boy filled out – can you imagine if every one of them was filled out so ineptly? No wonder why he wasn’t finding a job.
Happily, by the time I found his application, Lump had decided to move out of state to mooch off, I mean, live with other friends.
And now, whenever we talk about Lump, my ex-boyfriend calls him by his new nickname. . . Charlotte.