Ron is a real person, and not an April’s Fool Joke. He dated my sister and invaded our lives for a portion of time. Maybe you have a Ron? or Ronette? Or know a Ronulian – someone who is Ron-like? or a Ron-duh – someone silly enough to put up with him? If so, I empathize. Happy Ronday!
So, given some of my previous encounters with Ron, I was more than dismayed when my sister announced that they had recently had a pregnancy test done. I tried to point out the facts as plainly as I could and convince her that getting pregnant might not be the best idea right now.
My sister agreed but confessed that they did not use condoms and in fact had never used a condom. I immediately offered to rectify this situation. I picked up my sister and we made our way to CVS. My sister stood in the condom aisle with a blank look on her face.
“How do I know what to get?”
A horrible image flashed before my eyes – I was involuntarily picturing Ron naked! I threw up a little in my mouth and had to swallow it back down to ask, “Well, umm, is Ron a, uh, eww, uh big guy? or a little guy?”
My sister then told me that he wore a size large shirt.
“That’s not what I mean. Does Ron (*wince*) have a big member or a little member?”
“Oh!” my sister said. “Ron has no problem in that area. He’s quite large. In fact, his other girlfriends often tell him that he’s the biggest they’ve ever had.”
At this time, the gag reflux was in full throttle so I just grabbed a box of magnums and hurried her to the checkout counter.
After awkwardly explaining to my little sister different ways to apply a condom (after all – this is my LITTLE sister!!) I sent her on her way – trying unsuccessfully to banish the image of her and Ron getting it on.
I woke up screaming several times that night.
A few days later, my sister called and I asked her how it went.
“Well, we had problems getting it on.” she confessed.
“Why?” I asked. “Did it still not fit?”
“No,” she answered. “It didn’t fit right at all!”
I cringed at the thought of having to research extra-large condoms for a man who already made my skin crawl.
“Every time he put it on,” she said. “The darn things just fell right off! No matter how big we tried to make him – they were just too loose!”