Several years ago, I started sharing these “Ron” stories with my friends on an online message board. Rather than losing them in the the outerspace of the interwebz, I offer them here, for your enjoyment. There are about a dozen or so – and I’m going to post them each Monday (now dubbed Ronday) since we could all use a little something Ronulan to start us off each week.
The first time I met Ron was at a holiday party I was hosting at my house. My sister and Ron showed up 2 hours late – because they were shopping for toilet paper.
yes you read that right.
I was the older sister (by 2 years and 363 days but who’s counting?) and so therefore you would assume a certain desire to make a good impression.
What I got was my sister and Ron doing the human hand-holding contortion: His arm around her shoulder, her hand holding that hand. His other hand in her lap, her hand on his lap. Their ankles intertwined. It was a kitchen chair version of Twister.
In fact, they would only break hands to feed each other food from their plates and then lick around the edges of their mouths to get the excess crumbs off.
It was lovely, I tell ya.
So, as the party is breaking up and my sister (y’know – the one Ron has been pawing for the past hour) is in the bathroom, and my friend Tina’s husband is off getting their coats, Ron starts chatting up Tina:
“You know, I manage a restaurant downtown. You should really stop by some time for lunch – y’know, if you are off shopping by yourself. Just c’mon by my place and have lunch on me – you’ll love it. If you time it right, I should be able to join you – it’ll be great!”
Tina is a little naive sometimes, so she isn’t sure how to take that. She just smiles and thanks him for the offer. Ron takes that as a good sign.
“Yeah, y’know, I practically run the place, and I invest in shares of the business, so I’m an owner too. You should really stop by. Really.”
At this point, I’ve heard it too – and turn to look at Ron. He’s looking very self-assured and I’m sure he thinks he’s suave.
My sister returns at that point and I say, “Wow, hun, Ron was just inviting us downtown for lunch sometime – wasn’t that nice of him?”
My sister said, “Not me – I can’t stand eating at Burger King. No offense, sweetheart.”