Archive for July, 2013

Kiss Off

I’ve never felt pressured to have sex on the third date, or felt that any guy I was with expected it just because they paid for dinner, etc. I publicly applaud the men I’ve gone out with for never making me feel that way, and thank them for their gentlemanly ways.

That being said, I think that kissing, like sex, needs to be mutually decided upon. I recently had a pleasant dinner out with someone. We laughed and joked but we both agreed why we would not work out as a couple. So it should have been clear, right? But at the end of the date, as we were standing by our cars and I reached out to give him a friendly hug, he held me tight and would not let me go until he kissed me.

I pulled back and tried to laugh it off, quickly opening my car door and jumping inside.

No more kissing!” I cried out, wagging my finger at him.

He held the door so I couldn’t close it, reached inside and said, “Just one more on the cheek – just the cheek!”
And he grabbed my face and despite me saying “No! No!” insisted on kissing my cheek before finally backing off so I could shut the door.

I exclaimed, “I’m out of here!”

I quickly drove off, feeling like maybe I should have been ruder or more serious, but I had defaulted to joking or laughing, my usual response to uncomfortable situations.

A friend of mine had been on several dates with the same guy, so I asked her if he ever did it to her.

“He was an aggressive kisser is what I would say.” She answered. “Never hurtful, just always wanting to kiss and not shy about trying. Makes it hard to know when to push back. . .Does that make sense? Very alpha, take charge. Which is nice some times, just not every time.”

I thought for a moment before typing back.

“It makes sense, but it’s not okay. He shouldn’t be doing that. I feel like I can’t go out with him again because I can’t trust him not to respect my personal space.”

It was one of my issues too,” she replied. “. . . He’s a nice guy, just not for me and apparently not for you. I think we both like a little give and take rather [than a] constant demand without checking with us.”

So how does one fix this? Ideally, I’ve been on dates where I have given a clear signal that holding my hand or kissing me would be okay (like leaning in with a smile) and my date has understood that, and it worked out well. I’ve also been on dates where the man has asked permission every step of the way – holding my hand, giving me a hug, kissing me, etc. Sometimes that can seem awkward and clunky, but at least both of us know it is okay to proceed.

As a woman, and maybe a more retro version of one, I don’t want to be the move-maker all the time. I want to be romanced and charmed and flattered and flirted with. I like to know that someone wants me.

By wanting to be in that role, does that mean I’ve increased my chances of the Alpha Male domination? Maybe. I don’t have a clear cut answer for how to change my ways to decrease my odds and still be in a role where the man is not emasculated, left waiting for me to make all the moves.

I don’t think it’s easy for the man to be the one who extends himself for possible rejection. I know it’s rough to put yourself out there.

This is not one of my pithy, “Look what I just figured out” stories. I don’t have an answer for this one. It is just something that frustrates me.

Trust Me

Today’s post is not part of the Ronday series. Ronday will return next week. Sorry!

It was just a game.

It was a game about deciding who you could trust and who you couldn’t. Who was with you, who wanted you to fail. We laughed and we talked, we tried to read each other’s faces, suss out each other’s logic and hidden agendas. Sometimes you’d get frustrated because somebody didn’t believe the lie you were trying to sell. Sometimes you were telling the truth and no one believed you anyway.

At the end of the night, I was one of the good guys. Several times, people around me doubted it. I tried to think of ways to convince them I was good without sounding like that person who was perhaps trying a little too hard. “Methinks she doth protest too much.” I reflected that you really can’t convince people to believe anything by sheer desire.

Dating sometimes feels like that same game. Everyone has their game face on and you try to see beneath the mask. I find myself wondering what I can or cannot believe and whom I can trust. That’s a game that’s hard to play.

Sometimes, we can talk ourselves out of things that we know in our gut are true. We see the red flags, we hear the lies, and yet we choose to believe them anyway. Sometimes the lies are just easier to believe. And when good things happen, you wonder if they are real.

In the board game, I discovered I was simply trying to convince the wrong people. Because of that, and other mistakes made along the way, we lost the game.

“i hope you enjoyed the game,” one player said.

It was clear my frustration was showing. But it was more that I talked myself out of my gut. I’ve gotta stop doing that. It doesn’t matter that I lost the board game. It does matter that I’ve forgotten to trust my own instincts. Sometimes you learn more when you lose than when you win.

Taken, Gay, or Too Far Away

I was at a comedy club on Saturday night with some friends, and as a certain guy caught my eye, my immediate first thought was this: “I wonder if he is taken, gay, or too far away?”

The answer? He was taken.

Lately, guys I’ve been attracted to seem to fall in to these categories. The taken is simple and an immediate showstopper. I don’t even give it a second thought – homey don’t play that way. The gay makes me wonder if they would be a good match for LC because heaven knows he’s not finding much on his own.

The “too far away” is the sticky one. I don’t like long-distance relationships. It’s too easy to talk on the phone or online and hide behind the mask of distance. Something under two hours is potentially doable although extremely dissatisfying for more impromptu courtship. In times gone by I might have thought, “Hey – if it was the right guy, I would totally move there.” In fact, been there, done that – it’s how I wound up in Charlotte in the first place.

But life is different now, and I find myself not really willing to move to a new town. I have roots here in Charlotte, something that has not really happened before. This has been a surprising yet comforting realization for me.

This means that I need to find someone who is either local or willing to relocate. The local is possible – although for being a big city, Charlotte often seems like a small town. The Geek community is fairly close-knit, and trying to find a Geek to date leads to some interesting crossover conversations. Dating someone outside of the Geek community feels like an episode of Breaking Amish – they don’t understand our culture and we don’t know how to reconcile theirs with ours. I’m open to both, just acknowledging the challenges.

Willing to relocate is also good – but that definitely means making some form of commitment or resorting to the long-distance thing while trying to figure it all out. This can put a lot of pressure on a relationship.

Of course, far away doesn’t always mean distance. Sometimes far away means that we are at different points in our lives. Often people who start dating don’t realize they aren’t really ready to date yet – they just don’t want to be alone. And that’s understandable. But it doesn’t really improve my batting average.

So then what? Nothing much changes. I’ll continue to put myself out there, hope to find someone who ticks enough of the right boxes, meet some nice guys, and see what happens.

I cannot take credit for the following writing – I lifted it directly from a local paper in my hometown. Trip the Munchkin (name changed because . . .y’know) was my sister’s husband. A fact that was left out of the following story: at the time of my sister’s death, she and Trip had been separated for quite a bit of time and she was living in her own place.

There are so many snarky comments I want to include – but my readers are intelligent and can insert their own punchlines where appropriate. Happy Ronday!

On [date redacted], a state police detective working for the [City Redacted] District Attorney’s office arrested Trip the Munchkin after linking him to over $70,000 in counterfeit $100 bills and travelers checks. Trip the Munchkin was convicted in April 2007 and sentenced to two years of probation.

“It’s something I expected would come up,” Trip the Munchkin said.

The saga started back in 2005 after the death of his wife. Trip the Munchkin moved back in with his parents but later found himself on a dating site looking for companionship.

“It was a rather emotional time of my life,” he said. “And I met this person online. This person was being really sweet to me and I found out she was from Africa. That really didn’t put out any bells and whistles — I had dated someone who had come over from Africa before. I wasn’t quite as savvy as I am now.”

His new friend asked him for a favor: she asked if she could send him traveler’s checks in the mail, which he could cash at his bank before sending them on to another friend through Western Union.

The traveler’s checks cleared, and Trip the Munchkin figured the arrangement was legitimate. He later discovered the checks were counterfeit but his Nigerian friend reassured him that she had been scammed as well.

The next packages contained what looked like $100 bills, which were later revealed to be created from uncut sheets of $1 bills that were washed and remade as higher currency.

I thought the bills were real,” Trip the Munchkin said. He acknowledges, however, that he had suspicions and thought perhaps he could continue along to collect evidence.

I was out about $4,000 myself,” he said. “She swore she’d pay me back.”

A friend at his bank set him straight — the money he was receiving was counterfeit. Trip the Munchkin said he was planning to contact state and local police when he received the fatal knock on his door: the Secret Service and state police were there with a search warrant.

According to [City Redacted] District Court records, the warrant was obtained after an investigation into the counterfeit $100 bills. They opened 27 Federal Express packages which had been shipped from Trip the Munchkin’s [city redacted] home and discovered a total of $69,000 counterfeit $100 bills and money orders.

On searching the house, the records state, an additional $5,000 in counterfeit $100 bills were seized along with Federal Express shipping packages of various sizes, several Federal Express tracking slips and counterfeit American Express checks.

Trip the Munchkin said he cooperated with the investigation and officials eventually believed that he had nothing to do with the actual counterfeiting. Trip the Munchkin said he served out his two years of probation properly, paid his fines, and has since stayed away from imported funds.

“I got myself in the middle of something I didn’t understand,” Trip the Munchkin said. “I was a dope. It was a vulnerable time of my life.”