Archive for December, 2012

I originally wrote this piece about 8 years ago.  It started with the age-old discussion:  Would you rather have Fame, Fortune, or Power? He had made a comment that you couldn’t have much power if you only had a nickel.  I disagreed and presented this option instead. 

Disclaimer: if anyone uses my instructions to become a dictator – it was all my friend’s fault for posing the question.

Okay – the first thing is – punch a hole in the nickel and hang it around your neck with some leather cording. When asked why – explain it is a symbol of your desires for political freedom in a world where people’s souls are worth as little.

As young, eager-minded but drifting aimlessly-bodied individuals swoon at your feet (and swoon they will) discuss how you have abandoned monetary gain for truth and encourage them to do so also. Offer to help discard of their worldly and shallow possessions for them -so they are not tempted to succumb to the wickedness of “things.” Take the funds garnered from this and hire soldiers of fortune to plot your overthrow of the gov’t. Since your hippie-like followers have given you all, house them and put them to work on a farm — find the most delusional of them all and put him/her in charge to perform your “enlightenment meetings” and “freedom recruitment”. Keep that one person happy – however you must – and keep distant from all others – it makes you more mysterious and gives you more time to focus on your soldiers. Use the produce (cucumbers perhaps?) and profits from the farm to further enhance your largess.

Don’t let the hippies know of the soldiers of fortune (SOFs) or vice versa – live a dual-role, singular purpose life. Let the hippies think of your dictatorship as a “crusade to end all misery.” Let the SOFs think it is a career move for them as they seek their own countries and lands to own. Appoint one SOF as your “right-hand person” and watch him like a hawk. Give him disinformation and see if it leaks – and never trust him. Use him as your spokesperson as you seize your target and establish yourself as the behind-the-scenes dictator.

Begin searching for caves – and look-alikes. Pre-record mystical messages in case you need to flee quickly. When the UN steps in to stop you – sacrifice your Right-hand SOF, and convince your hippie that any negative occurrences were due to them. When you are exposed as the mastermind, run to your cave and begin releasing your tapes.

When all else fails – take a brain-washed lookalike and let him be captured and blamed for all you have done and put to death. Let your followers mourn your passing and let controversy swell over whether you were a martyr or diabolical mastermind.

With your hidden largess, pay a top Hollywood surgeon to secretly and dramatically change your appearance. This will wipe you out almost completely, leaving you only with a nickel.

Take this nickel and punch a hole in it . . .

Why so serious? 

As I troll the photos of men that the interweb gods have deemed my “perfect matches” – I keep wondering: why would you post a picture of yourself without a smile on your face? And in a shirt with holes and dirt stains, or your significant other obviously cut out of the picture?

Technology is not that difficult.  We live in an age where digital camera photography is everywhere. You can take and retake a picture until you get it right.  And if you don’t have enough friends to take pictures, bribe a co-worker or Walmart greeter.  You have options, people.  Use them.

Oh, and for the record?  You posting a picture of yourself with a girl from Hooters or a Bar Babe from some beer company is not going to make me come a-running.  Also, posing by your car, truck, or bike is only going to attract women that are more interested in your possessions than yourself.  I’d rather see a picture of you with your pets or your hobbies.

I try to update my profile with a new picture of myself each month to show that this is what I really look like.  I often get told that I’m cuter in person.  I guess that’s better than the other option, right?  Many of my pictures have me laughing or doing something silly, at least 2-3 show a full body shot so there are no body-shape surprises. I try to have one picture of me where I look “pretty.”  But that’s typically not my only shot.

Putting your best face forward is key.  Stop scowling.  It’s not that bad – but with that face – you are going to have a hard time making it better.


This Just In: Bananas Float

I’ve now been on my second First Date.  This time we went for a movie first, and then grabbed some coffee afterwards.

First off, if you haven’t seen it, Life of Pi was an amazing movie.  It was so visually arresting, and I cried several times. We saw it in 3D and it was, for once, well worth the price.  And, interesting fact, bananas float.

As far as anything else floating, lead balloons come to mind.  My date was pleasant enough and reminded me of someone I would meet in a good baptist church back when I was a good christian girl. I was afraid to say too much for fear that I would assault his fine sensibilities. 

We had differing opinions of what the message of the Oscar-winning black & white movie Marty was all about.  I think that said a lot.  He also seemed eager to talk about himself, but not really ask much about me.  I found myself prompting the conversation along, and when I purposely stopped talking so he could discuss things of his choosing or ask me questions, there was silence.

I felt very young next to him and very wild and uncouth.  I was like a hippie trying to strike up a conversation with a Republican.  It reminded me a lot of a scene from Same Time Next Year with Ellen Burstyn and Alan Alda.  Without all the passion. 

The date ended rather quickly, and he asked me whether he could just drop me off or if he needed to park and hug me a second time.  Then he told me I was definitely geeky and that he would like to attend Geek Meets.  But didn’t mention a second date.  I was  relieved.  However, he did follow up pretty quickly with an email thanking me for the date and telling me liked geeky.  Still no mention of a second date.

I think I would scare him running into the hills on a second date.  Like a citizen running from Geekzilla.  He really should save himself.

The first First Date, I felt like the more mature person.  This time I felt like the more wild and youthful person.  Third time’s the charm?