Archive for November, 2012

Well, Now That’s Over With

So I had my first “first date” last night.  We met for coffee (although technically I had hot cider) and it lasted about 90 minutes.

I spent most of the time listening to him talk about how crazy his ex-wife is and how much her new husband hates him but all her friends and family love him.  A lot of stories were about him winning, which makes me think that he’s trying to convince himself of that.

He took my hands several times – found ways to touch my arms – but it just didn’t send any tingles up and down them.  I tried not to pull away too fast and hurt his feelings, but I did find it rather forward for just a coffee date.

It wasn’t miserable.  I laughed several times, got to talk once or twice, and had a great cup of hot cider.

At the end of the date, he told me he wanted to see me again.  The way he said it made it feel like I had passed some kind of test.  He then hugged me and kissed me several times on the lips.  I didn’t really want to be kissed, and pulled back several times – trying to joke about first dates and steak dinners and no french kissing. 

He emailed me again last night to repeat that he wanted to see me again.  Fortunately, I already know I’ll be busy for the next few days.  And after that, we’ll see if I’m just being too critical or if my gut instincts that we are not a match still rings true.

So today has been . . .interesting.

I spent most of Saturday being a sloth, and playing lots and lots of Rift.  How much is lots?  I went up 5 levels on my Eth Warrior.  (If you don’t understand that, I’m sorry – let’s just say, it was a whole lot)

I tried to get my phone repaired – they said that I would have to wait until December 1st or pay an upgrade fee.  It was hissing and clicking at me, and I can’t really talk on it – but I’m surviving amazingly well given the circumstances.  Having wifi and 2 computers help – plus its been a good reason just to ignore the world a little bit.

Sunday, a good friend came over to do Christmas decorations.  Lots and lots of Christmas shopping of said decorations and several hours of me making bows and prepping ornaments while the Small but Mighty One transformed my house from everyday to Christmas Lodge.  Rather amazing.

Today, where I was previously feeling alone, I suddenly find myself with a date on Thursday, and lots of group activities throughout the week.  Of course, I’m still broke and sick – but things are looking up.

I was emailing with a friend of mine who has also hit a hurricane of health issues far greater than mine..  I told her my theory:  that last week was kind of like an accelerated recovery course – all the crises that you have to go through to move forward to be prepared for a new relationship.  I had to remember how to be more self-reliant again – to reach out to new friends and establish new, healthier patterns apart from the dependency one has after an extended relationship.

So far – I’m doing okay.  And it’s only getting better.

On Being Thankful

So many of the things I think about these days are first world issues.  Whether I will find love, whether I will get my feelings hurt, whether I will be understood.

Today, I’d like to just focus on those things that I don’t have to think about:  where I’m going to sleep, how I’m going to pay for food or my bills, if I have a job.  Right now, even though I’m not flush with wealth, these things are all manageable.

Today I dropped my phone in a cup of coffee.  Maybe it will work tomorrow – maybe it will not.  As frustrating and annoying as it is – it is not the end of the world.  I don’t have much control over whether or not it repairs itself – and if it doesn’t work – just like everything else, I’ll just have to make it work.

I’m thankful that I don’t need a phone to survive.  It may feel hard to not play with the phone the way that I’m used to playing.  But in reality – I’ll make it.

I’m thankful for friends that seek to pick me up.  I’m thankful for family that I have by blood, and family I have by love.  I’m thankful for a warm bed, a safe neighborhood, and not waking up to the sounds of gunshot or bombs.  I’m thinkful for a bill of rights, and a chance to make a mistake and then correct it.  But most of all – I’m thankful for each day, no matter what it may bring.  Not that God should take this is a personal challenge to see if I still think this way later . . .

Upsand Downs

One of my favorite movies is Auntie Mame.  Not the Lucille Ball musical – but the Rosalind Russell gem.  And there is a scene where she meets the future in-laws at their place and is continually having to deal with their lack of couth and charm. 

Today I feel a bit like her as I politely responded to the news that my former boyfriend was officially announcing his new relationship.  He then shared that he had received the thumbs up from her friends, and that they were meeting each other’s moms. 

He politely asked if I had any prospects, and I responded, “Nope.” He offered his condolences and told me that it would happen.  I finally had to explain that I didn’t want to go down that path of conversation with him at that moment.

Whatever his reasons for sharing – I didn’t need to know. I sat still at my desk, fighting back tears.  It doesn’t matter that our break up was for the best.  I still didn’t need to be reminded that he had someone and I was back alone to start over.

My friend came to take me to lunch, and as I told her what had happened, she wanted to jump in her car and drive over and slash his tires. Although it was not anything I would ever do – I was so thankful to have someone so eager to defend me.  It made me feel a lot less alone.

Because it’s not just me – and everything is surviveable.  This is so not an uncommon thing and I’ll be fine.  We will overcome!

When It Rains, It Hurricanes

Last week I had to go to the doctor because I was having pains in my side.  After a few tests, I was diagnosed with a slight kidney infection.  I also found out that my blood pressure meds were no longer working and that I needed to add a few more prescriptions to my daily repetoire.

I’ve been definitely feeling better, but the additional expenses made me very budget-conscious.  So naturally, when my car died last night and I realized I never renewed my AAA (why bother, the former boyfriend had it) – my heart sank.

My knee-jerk reaction would be to reach out to the ex and ask for help.  I know he would have offered it.  But that wouldn’t have been healthy.  So instead, I counted on the help of my friends and my own wits, and have sussed out the situation myself.

It may seem like a natural thing to others – but to me, this was a big step. 

In the meantime, several of my friends are also taking ill.  It’s not just pouring here now – it’s a hurricane.

But in reality, how much rain can pour on you before you are just soaked and that’s it?  If you can survive a little rain or a lot of rain, it just all becomes the same and you just push on, looking for a place to get warm and dry.

Happy Birthday, Paya

Today is my father’s birthday.  And even though it has been over 9 years since we’ve talked over the phone – I’ve heard his voice many times lately. 

I loved to make my dad laugh – to see his eyes sparkle as I told him about something funny that had happened at work or while I was dating.  He was a great storyteller – and we used to love to have secret jokes together.

I remember the time when I was 8 and we went up on the garage roof and just sat together, watching the blue-black sky of the early night and bright off-white of the moon. He put his arm around me so I couldn’t fall – and I felt so fearless. I could have stayed up on that roof with him forever. 

My dad always made me think – to consider my paths.  In fact, his death was a motivating factor in my divorce.  I cringed that he died thinking that I had hitched myself to the man I did.  I wanted him to be so proud of me and to not have to worry. I still want him to be proud – and as I meet men, I often imagine what my dad would think of them.  It has saved me from several bad choices, knowing they wouldn’t meet his muster. 

If I could call him on the phone today, we would most likey talk of “walking briskly” and movies we had seen.  We’d talk about future plans to get together and eating habits and people we both knew.  And I’d tell him now what I tell him in my heart each day:  I love you and miss you so much. 

Here’s Your Piano, Lady

When I was 9, we moved from Boxford, Massachusetts to North Grafton, Massachusetts.  With part of the profits from the sale of the old house, my mom purchased a piano and promptly enrolled all 4 of us kids in to piano lessons.

One by one my brothers managed to squirm out of them, leaving me the only kid left – and my mom insisted I couldn’t drop lessons because ONE of her kids was going to know how to play.

There were times I hated learning to play – and I never got to anywhere near an accomplished status – but I soon found it to be a solace and source of entertainment not only for me, but for my mom.  It was also an excellent way to get out of doing the dishes.

As a reward for my forced perseverance, the piano is now mine.  My mom has been storing it for me since my  divorce in 2003 – and now she wants to give it back.

As I look around my compact little rental house, I have no idea where to put it.  I would love to have it back, but there is just no room . . . .well, I guess there is room – but not where I want to put it.

I look forward to being able to play my piano again – but not the actual moving of said piano in to the place it’s going to need to go.  My friends will not love me, I’m afraid.

I think one of the things I wondered about since my breakup was what it would be like to be with another man.  To be honest, with so many online encounters focusing right in on sex, I remember back to dates like Fish Lips and Bra Boy, and I shudder.

This weekend won’t become one of those memories.  Instead, I was able to welcome back to my life, and my arms, an old friend.  I am so grateful for that.

He was someone I had dated about 5 years ago. We both knew this wasn’t going to be the right relationship.  Fortunately, a great companionship developed – something more than friendship – a mutual comfort level with the exchanging of conversations and caresses.  This weekend he brought that back to me.

My companion is great for my self esteem.  He tells me how sexy I am to him, he admires both my body and my sensuality.  He tells me all this without being overly cheesy – but also without any prompting.  It’s a refreshing combination.  I can believe what he says because he brings it out in me. I treasure that about him.

There are so many First Afters you have to deal with when a relationship ends.  The First time you visit a restaurant After going as a couple, the First time hanging out with friends After, the First time you kiss another man After, the First time you invite someone in to your bed After. It can be draining.

I’m not the bill of goods I once was:  more gray hairs, more weight, more chips and dings,fewer days left on the warranty.  It’s easy to put yourself down if you let it happen.  You feel more vulnerable putting yourself back on the selling block.  You realize you may be no longer Mint in Box.

This weekend I didn’t have to feel that way.  He helped me so much. I hold my head a little higher and stand a little straighter.  I remembered that I’m a good catch.  It’s nothing I didn’t have within me before, but like the Wizard of Oz, he reminded me it was there.

Thanks, old friend, for letting me come in from the rain.


Do You Like Sex?

One of the strange things about online dating is the boldness that normally socially awkward individuals feel behind the safety of their computer screen.

I am constantly amazed by people who pick screen names like “imhereforsex273” and “IncarnateLust45” (really – there were that many people who already picked that?).  But at least they put it right out there and save me the trouble of having to figure out their game.

What throws me are the ones where you are having a fairly banal conversation and suddenly you read:

He: Do you like sex?

Me: Umm – random.  I’m not really looking to jump right in to bed with anyone.  But once I find the right person – yes, I do like sex.

He: Okay. So what kind of sex do you like?

I double checked my status at this point, just to make sure that “casual dating” and “intimate encounters” weren’t checked.  Then I politely explained that although I could certainly appreciate that he was horny and wanted to talk about these things tonight, I was probably not the one to help him do that.

I didn’t hear back from him.

It reminds me of a time 5 years ago when I was online and received an IM request.  I clicked over on it, and was immediately exposed to a webcam show of a man, his hand, and his crotch and some rather vigorous activity. 

I politely thanked him for the invitation and said it wasn’t for me before closing the window.

Several days later, I received a very enthusiastic email from the same man – talking about all the things we had in common and how he would love to chat with me sometime and maybe meet.  I then reminded him that we had already met via webcam, and that I didn’t think I was what he was looking for.

He dismissed this (once he remembered it) and incredulously asked, “You mean you can’t get past this?” Nope, sorry.  I think I would always remember that the first time I met you – I saw the head that did most of your thinking.  Thanks though!

I am sure that it was my loss.


Don’t You Recognize Me?

So it’s been almost 5 years since I was really doing any kind of online dating.  It was weird logging back in and re-activating some old profiles as well as creating some new ones.  And my, some things have changed!  Now there are “apps” and all sorts of other things to learn and navigate.

Yesterday, I was sitting in the doctor’s office, waiting for the results of my urinalysis, and was scrolling through a new dating site and app that I had signed up for rather than worry about what was next with my kidneys. As I scrolled through my list of matches, I would occasionally stop and email someone just to say hi and ask them a few questions from their profile. 

Ping!  You have a new message.

I clicked on “View” and read:  Don’t You Recognize Me?

Aww crap.  I did.  It was a guy I had broken up with after a month because he was obviously not ready for a real relationship. Later, I found out that he next dated my new boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend.  And he had broken up with her for the same reason.

So yeah – that was awkard.