Archive for the ‘ Prose ’ Category

Here’s another post I found on my old OKCupid journal that I thought you might like to see.  I had an eHarmony profile back in those days – and I’m not sure if the process has changed or not – but back then you had to choose a reason whenever you wanted to delete a match from your account. This was originally written in December 2007.

 
I have been having fun on eHarmony today. Well, not really “fun” but going through and closing out all the recent matches they have sent me.”Closing” a match means that you are no longer interested in the candidate. eHarmony doesn’t allow you to close the match without selecting a reason – here are your options and my interpretation of the actual reason one might pick. 
 
 
 
I think our family backgrounds are too different.
You are redneck, and I am above the likes of you.I have too much happening in my life at the moment.
You look like drama. I already have drama. Thank you, please move on.

I don’t feel that the chemistry is there.
There are not enough drugs in the world that would make you look good to me.

I don’t think our Must Haves and Can’t Stands fit. (This is a list of 10 things you want and don’t want in a mate)
You are way too demanding.

I think the physical distance between us is too great.
This is the default answer for almost everyone, I think. “Physical distance” can mean a lot of things including: ‘you are too short’, ‘i don’t want to hurt your feelings so I’ll blame gas prices’ or ‘i don’t think you are worth the drive.’

I want to pursue other matches at eHarmony.
There’s got to be SOMEBODY better than you out there for me.

I am pursuing another relationship.
Totally legit answer – but it can sometimes make you feel like – I found somebody else, you missed your chance with me, too late! and I found someone – you never will.

I’m just not ready for the next step.
You live too close for the “physical distance” answer – but I just can’t stand the thought of being with you.

I am taking a break from dating.
Thanks, I’ll pass on dating YOU – my break will be over when someone hot comes along.

I would rather not say.
Mom says, if you can’t say anything nice . . .

This match never responded to my request to communicate.
I reached out to you, you ignored me, and now I’m telling!

I think the difference in age between us is too great.
Go hit on someone from the nursing home, grandpa!

I think the difference in our values is too great.
Like I have some, and you don’t . . .

Based on statements in their profile, I’m not interested in this match.
Their profile contains the babblings of a psycho alien or unibomber.

Because there are no photos posted/I couldn’t see any photos.
Cause you could be ugly, and I don’t date ugly.

Because I was put on Hold.
Think you can put me on the backburner so you’ll have a fallback when Miss America dumps you? Homey don’t think so.

Because we are communicating outside of eHarmony
I’ve got his digits, I don’t want him holding up my chances for someone else . . .

Other
There is something so wrong with you, I can’t even put it in to words.

Just Breathe

In and out, in and out, don’t hyperventilate, don’t overthink it, don’t hold it in, don’t forget to let it out, breathe, breathe, breathe, feel like you’re in labor, feel like you’re drowning, feel like you are barely awake, feel like the world is yelling even though everything is deadly quiet.

Just Breathe.

whoooooooooooosh.

Feel better?

Yeah, but only if you don’t think about it too much.

So tell us about this new love interest in your life.” a friend asked last night.

I duck my head.  “It’s still a little new, and there are things going on, and I’m just not ready to talk about it yet.”

Breathe.

My foster dog has started hiding under the covers each night.  I often wake up to find him curled up next to my cold, smelly feet.  Why would an animal willingly subject himself to such torture?  I almost sat on him this morning because I forgot that sometimes a rumpled quilt is not a rumpled quilt, it’s a silly dog.

Breathe.

Work has me in a tizzy.  Every day I walk in determined to conquer the world.  Many days I flee in hopes that tomorrow will be better.  No matter how much I give, it will not be enough because we are running understaffed with no hope of rescue in sight.

Breathe.

Most of the time I’m fine with the fact that the 3 last major relationships in my life have all either gotten married or engaged and that I’m still single.  That’s fine.  No really, that’s fine.  Unless maybe I’m the problem.  I’m not the problem though.  And there’s not a problem.  Well, only that I find myself wondering if there is a problem and I’m just not seeing it and oh god oh god why hast thou forsaken me and how do I not mess this new thing up? Am I being too clingy?  Am I being too standoffish? Was I overconfident last night and turn off new people that came to the Geek Meet because in reality I was just trying to hold it together and oh god why hasn’t he texted me and. . .

Breathe.

Breathe. 

Breathe.

I originally wrote this piece about 8 years ago.  It started with the age-old discussion:  Would you rather have Fame, Fortune, or Power? He had made a comment that you couldn’t have much power if you only had a nickel.  I disagreed and presented this option instead. 

Disclaimer: if anyone uses my instructions to become a dictator – it was all my friend’s fault for posing the question.

Okay – the first thing is – punch a hole in the nickel and hang it around your neck with some leather cording. When asked why – explain it is a symbol of your desires for political freedom in a world where people’s souls are worth as little.

As young, eager-minded but drifting aimlessly-bodied individuals swoon at your feet (and swoon they will) discuss how you have abandoned monetary gain for truth and encourage them to do so also. Offer to help discard of their worldly and shallow possessions for them -so they are not tempted to succumb to the wickedness of “things.” Take the funds garnered from this and hire soldiers of fortune to plot your overthrow of the gov’t. Since your hippie-like followers have given you all, house them and put them to work on a farm — find the most delusional of them all and put him/her in charge to perform your “enlightenment meetings” and “freedom recruitment”. Keep that one person happy – however you must – and keep distant from all others – it makes you more mysterious and gives you more time to focus on your soldiers. Use the produce (cucumbers perhaps?) and profits from the farm to further enhance your largess.

Don’t let the hippies know of the soldiers of fortune (SOFs) or vice versa – live a dual-role, singular purpose life. Let the hippies think of your dictatorship as a “crusade to end all misery.” Let the SOFs think it is a career move for them as they seek their own countries and lands to own. Appoint one SOF as your “right-hand person” and watch him like a hawk. Give him disinformation and see if it leaks – and never trust him. Use him as your spokesperson as you seize your target and establish yourself as the behind-the-scenes dictator.

Begin searching for caves – and look-alikes. Pre-record mystical messages in case you need to flee quickly. When the UN steps in to stop you – sacrifice your Right-hand SOF, and convince your hippie that any negative occurrences were due to them. When you are exposed as the mastermind, run to your cave and begin releasing your tapes.

When all else fails – take a brain-washed lookalike and let him be captured and blamed for all you have done and put to death. Let your followers mourn your passing and let controversy swell over whether you were a martyr or diabolical mastermind.

With your hidden largess, pay a top Hollywood surgeon to secretly and dramatically change your appearance. This will wipe you out almost completely, leaving you only with a nickel.

Take this nickel and punch a hole in it . . .