Archive for the ‘ Dating ’ Category

This Magic Moment

proposalWe met almost a year ago. The first time we met, we wouldn’t stop grinning at each other. We had the worst sushi waiter ever. He did the whole stretch-yawn-arm thing and I impatiently asked him if he was going to kiss me. He then did this voiceover thing that was something like “if I kiss her now, she’s expecting it, but if I don’t kiss her then she’s going to think I don’t want to and then what if she doesn’t go on a second date. It may be too late, maybe the moment has passed, or maybe the moment is just right oh now should I kiss her or wait? Because my voice over may make her expect it now . . . “ that had me laughing so hard I didn’t know if I could breathe.

In so many ways things moved so fast and yet so slow all at the same time. At times we have asked each other, “Haven’t we always been together?” And yet, it hasn’t been a year. But it almost has.

So last night, while at a comedy night featuring our favorite comedian and friend, I saw my boyfriend get up on stage and I waited to see what foolishness was about to happen. Then he took the mic, looked at me and asked me to marry him. Our friend cracked, “If you like it then you better put a ring on it,” which made everyone in the crowd go “ooooooh” until my boyfriend pulled out a ring box.

It was all so surreal. I found myself heading up to the stage, grateful that I had decided to shave my legs and put on a skirt (yes, these are the things that run through my head) and hoping I didn’t trip on my way over there. And then suddenly –he asked me again and there was the ring and it was on my finger and I was trying to step off the stage without falling over.

We were back in our seats, the show continued on. I looked over at him and smiled. He leaned over and whispered, “Hey, you did say yes, right?”

I took his wonderful face in my hands, feeling the stubble of his recently trimmed beard under my fingers, and I whispered, “Yes, yes, yes!” and kissed him.

I laughed at all the jokes, I smiled at our friends at the table, I felt his hand in mind. My brain tried to process everything. We knew we were going to get married – we had talked about it – but I was not expecting to be asked that night. I had teased him that I can always guess these things – but I had no clue.

The night ended in a flurry of phone calls and texts to friends and family before posting it on Facebook. Somehow, we safely got home. Somehow we got to work this morning.

The day has been a chaotic euphoria of posts and texts and phone calls still. And work and lunch and getting gas. Normal life and surreality combined and intertwined itself like it always does.

But mostly I just smile and count the minutes until I go home and ask him to tell me all again.

The Tragedy of Happiness

“I miss your posts.” a friend told me recently. “You just don’t seem to post so much.”

It’s true. I think as a rule it was easier to think of things to say and lessons learned when life was full of awkward online dating stories, sorrowful recalling of past relationship wrongs, and hopeful beginnings.

I’m happy to report that SH and I are now at our 9 month mark with no end in sight. Our life together includes more good things than I dreamed possible – and any challenges tend to be outside of the relationship, things that we handle together.

It’s wonderfully tragic to be too happy to write. Of course, it then means I need to rethink this blog and what I do with it.

Of course, discussing real life challenges as they happen presents problems. You don’t always want to show your hand before things are more solidified – you never know who is reading and how things can be misconstrued. And I for one don’t like to jinx anything.

I’ll still be answering some of the questions I get from others – you will probably see a lot more of those than before.

And I’ll also talk about some other lessons Ive learned – recipes I’ve tried – new goals I’m making. My life is about to take some very positive changes, and I hope you will tag along for the ride. In the meantime, thanks for your support to get to where we are now. I wouldn’t be who I am without you.

Today I sent out Christmas cards.

This may not seem like a big thing to you, but to me it is monumental. There was a time in my life where I was the Queen of Christmas – where I had my Christmas letter written, printed, folded and sent by the day after Thanksgiving. My house used to be decorated from top to bottom – from Christmas bedspread and shower curtain, to everyday Christmas dishes and wall hangings and a light up Christmas village on the top of the piano. Every room in my house reflected holiday goodwill – and even though I was in an unhappy marriage – I found happiness in the lights and music of the season.

2 years ago, when I broke up with my long term boyfriend, I couldn’t even fathom decorating for Christmas. But a dear friend promised to help, and with a tank full of gas and some fresh deposited debit cards, we went on a shopping spree to deck the halls. She and her husband hung lights on the front of the house, she superglued and pasted and primped and prodded until my house reflected the good cheer my heart wasn’t quite ready to embrace yet.

Last year, I thought I was ready to reclaim Christmas for myself. I went so far as to write the Christmas letter and ask my friends and relatives for their updated addresses, but then it all fell apart. The lovely decorations my friend had bought the year before stayed in their carefully packed crates. I tried to get motivated, but I wasn’t there yet. I did get out there – my friends invited me to participate in their festivities and I gladly went along and enjoyed the good cheer with them. I even bought a small Christmas tree finally and presents for friends.

This year has been different. You won’t find a Christmas bedspread or shower curtain in my house, but the Christmas spirit started in my heart earlier. SH and I are celebrating our first Christmas together, and it has been fun. We’ve gone for fun drives to see Christmas lights throughout the neighborhoods. SH pulled out the boxes of crates, and I discovered a box from my Queen of Christmas days with enough lights to triple our power bill. At first, I was overwhelmed by the stuff I saw. However, it was easy to let go of most of it and just keep the few things that were happy memories and incorporate them with stuff my friend helped me buy 2 years ago, and new stuff SH and I bought together.

I think that has been the difference. The togetherness. As I look around my house now – it doesn’t look like Martha Stewart or HGTV. There are little touches of Christmas here and there – but more than that – everything is stuff we did together – from the hanging of the ornaments on our little Christmas tree – to the wooden and metal ornaments we hung on the big tree in the front yard – to the silly solar snowmen that blink on the front walk – and the rubber Santa duck in the bathroom – it’s not just Christmas – it’s memories of us together working on it.

The Christmas letter I wrote this year was mostly my story – next year, it will be ours. We sat in front of the TV last night, watching holiday cooking shows and folding and addressing and stamping and licking, and together we got them done. When I dropped them in to the big blue mailbox at work and saw them slide inside and heard the lid clang closed, I felt triumphant. This year the Christmas cheer I feel is not something outside seeping in – it is something inside bubbling out.


The Verger

“Imagine what you could be, if only . . . “

When I was in junior high, we were assigned to read the short story THE VERGER by W. Somerset Maugham. You can read the full version here:

The shorter version:

Albert Edward Foreman was the verger (lay person) of St. Peter’s in Neville Square and had been a faithful servant for sixteen years. So imagine his surprise when he was let go by the new vicar, who didn’t like the fact that Albert couldn’t read nor write.

He went walking to clear his head, craved a cigarette, but couldn’t find a shop that sold any. So he opened his own. It did so well, he opened another. And then another. And then ten more. Until one day the banker talked to him about switching from a bank deposit to a more lucrative form of investment. When he revealed he couldn’t read, the banker exclaimed – “. . . what would you be now if you had been able to?”

To which Albert Edward Foreman replied, “I’d be verger of St. Peter’s, Neville Square.”

I’ve been thinking about this story a lot lately. If things went smoothly all the time, if we were never forced to seek a change for ourselves and our lives, think of all the opportunities we would have missed. So many disappointments in my life have ultimately led me to a place of greater happiness.

Of course, Albert didn’t wait around for his next opportunity to find him. In fact, he went out, cleared his head, found a need, and filled it. He made things happen for himself. He found a way to survive, and ultimately, to overcome.

Sometimes, when I tell parts of my life story, people say, “Oh, my goodness. I’m so sorry that happened to you.”

I appreciate the kind words, but I look at where I am now, how crazy the past 4 months have been, and how they might not have happened if some of the bumps in my path had not been there. And I’m eager to say, “No – it’s okay. It’s great even. Because look where I am now. Look at the good I have now. I wouldn’t have had it if these things hadn’t happened. I wouldn’t even know how good it all could be if the yuck hadn’t been there.”

I could have been the Verger. I’m so glad I’m not.

The Bureau of Happiness

It was just a drawer.

But he offered it to me with such openness and excitement that I got overwhelmed. Never before had I been offered space in someone else’s haven. I had asked for it several times – and been first offered a corner here or there to stash some stuff, and eventually been incorporated in to someone’s life.

Now, I was being offered a drawer – a top drawer – where I could leave things behind so that when I came back again, there it would be – ready and waiting for me.

We stopped by the store on the way back from dinner – and I picked up a few things like toothpaste and deodorant and we came back and I put them in my drawer. I’ll admit I was so giddy that I accidentally bought conditioner instead of shampoo, but all in all – it was a quiet little moment of special.

This is just such an amazing relationship, “I told a friend. “It is just so effortless.”

I recognize that not everything will always be like this. But to have an opportunity to move together at a similar pace, not having one partner or the other in the relationship be at different stages and waiting and wondering if the other will catch up – that’s something so profoundly cosmic, and somehow so rare.

“I opened up the top drawer and saw your things in there and it just made me happy,” he told me the next morning.

It makes me happy too.

Tasting the Cake

I lied about my first kiss.

Not the one from the boy named Billy who defended my honor back in kindergarten. But the one in high school that I told my classmates about, rather than admitting that no boy had tried yet.

It happens. But it’s a shame when it does. Because when I finally did kiss a boy, when it finally happened, I couldn’t tell anyone. I remember leaning in, my lips pressed to his, and thinking “this is my first kiss!” But after boasting that I had kissed already, I felt I had to play it cool rather than reveal my secret.

Other times, I’ve lied to myself. “This is love,” I told myself with my first husband. At 23, I somehow convinced myself I was getting too old and may never get married. Then he and I met and rather than be alone I pushed and I prodded and I rushed our relationship from dating to living together to being engaged to getting married. One month after our wedding, I found myself lying face down on my bed, sobbing uncontrollably, feeling trapped in a situation that would continue until “death do us part.” It took me seven years and my dad’s death before I had the courage to admit failure and move forward.

Why do we rush love?

It’s kind of like power-leveling through a video game. We slash and hack and hurry through the starting zone, barely reading the quest descriptions or paying attention to the story line. We push to reach all the fabulous end-game content we’ve read about and then suddenly – we are at a standstill.

I don’t want to do that this time.

It’s like trying to frost a cake that hasn’t even baked yet. The process of mixing the ingredients, prepping the pans, preheating the oven, and the house filling with the wonderful smells: all this should be savored not microwaved. Anticipation gives heightened ecstasy.

Sometimes I wonder if we try to skip steps in the process because we don’t want to take the time and then see the flaws. We figure if we hurry past the red flags, maybe they won’t really apply to us. Sometimes we mistake the adrenalin of the hunt for the tingles of attraction.

I’m afraid to say that this time is different for me. That sounds so cliché and starry-eyed. But I’m not so anxious this time: I’m not looking to hit milestones and make declarations. I’m okay with taking things slow. I’m not seeking validation or assurances about what is happening. And for something truly shocking, I’m not trying to control the outcome.

“Who is this and what have you done with my Joey?” one of my close friends recently demanded.

She stopped to taste a bite of cake. And the cake is not a lie.

Dating at Fortysomething

I used to not have a problem putting myself out there,” my friend Randi said. “I’d go out, date guys, no problem. But then I got in to the more geeky side of things and when I’d flirt with guys they’d get this deer in the headlights look and I’d get self-conscious and now it’s been a while since I’ve been out on a date. I guess I’ve just forgotten how to flirt.

I’ve had conversations like this with many of my friends in their forties and fifties. They used to date, they want to date, but somehow they just stopped dating. And they aren’t sure why or if they are really ready to do something about it.

“Where do you ideally see yourself in 10 years?” I recently asked my friend Dave. “Do you picture yourself with someone? Or do you see yourself alone? What would make you happy?”

It depends,” he confessed. “Some days I see it one way, other times I see it the other.

I’ve never pictured myself alone. I’m not afraid to be alone; I would just prefer not to be. Yet the older we get, the more often I see my friends operating on a solo flight through life. Some choose that path; others just accept it as their fate. Like many things, I think the opportunities to find that someone change as we get older. In high school or college you had parties and activities and a seemingly endless pool of candidates. As an adult, you have smaller pools with more complicated consequences – you don’t want to date where you work, make things awkward amongst your friends, run in to them at your favorite hangouts, or be the creepy person in the grocery store trolling the produce aisle for melons and a phone number.

Plus, there is the rejection. There is always someone prettier, younger, richer, more successful, thinner. We feel broken compared to them. And then there is the fear: why does this person like me? What’s wrong with them? Why are they still single? They must be broken, too.

We are all broken,” Rocker points out to me a lot. “When you get to be our age, you are going to have a few nicks and dings and cracks. What you have to see is if both your broken bits work together or just make each of you worse.”

I kind of like that. In my head, I picture a wheel of four hands, each one holding together the broken bits of the other person’s spoke. I’ll have strength to cover you here, you have strength to cover me there. Together, holding hands, we’ll get through this journey.

I fail a lot. I look back at the past year and the men I’ve dated and the reasons why things didn’t work out. I’ve been lied to, cheated on, stolen from, and sugar momma’ed (is that a word?). I’ve flirted with men who patted me on the head and walked away. I’ve had others not even respond. But I’ve also made some great friends, had some fond memories, and told some funny stories. I’m not a natural at this dating thing – I’m sometimes worse than a noob. But I keep trying.

It’s worth it, y’know. Putting yourself out there. I know I’m in a good place right now, so it’s easier for me to say that. But this blog proves I’ve been in bad places too. You have to keep trying – working at it – failing at it – and trying again. May we all find someone else to hold hands with.

The Final Box

It was a short email.

“I’m finally down to the last little bit of stuff to get out of [the place], so please let me know when and how is best for me to get a small box of your things to you.”

You would think after over a year, I would be done with putting this relationship behind me. In many ways, I have. I actually suggested that anything that I hadn’t had in a year was worth throwing away. . . only, he had a DVD of my sister in her one and only horror film role (a very amateur film, but still).

Bite the bullet, Joey.

It really wasn’t that bad. I drove to his work and pulled my car beside his and texted that I was there. A bit of an evil spirit crept in and I pondered walking in to alert him that I had arrived. I wondered what his co-workers would say when they saw me, given everything. They had always been so warm and kind, and several had reached out to me after the split. But I stayed put.

He came out, I unlocked the doors, and he transferred the box from his car to mine. We said some polite banalities, and for the brief moment our eyes met I felt . . . nothing. I watched him walk away with mild curiosity, wondering if the moment was the same for him.

I had actually seen him recently – at a restaurant near my house. I walked in with a friend, deep in conversation. It was only after I was seated for a while and happened to glance to my left that I recognized first the back of his head, and then saw her. I thought of interrupting my friend to tell him, but it wasn’t important enough. I focused on my friend, he was more important, and when we had a pause, I told him only to realize they were gone. Whether they saw me or not, I do not know.

I’ve always said that anyone going through a major break-up or divorce needs at least one year before they are truly able to put everything behind them. I was no exception to the rule. Both moments had been times I had dreaded, but they passed with very little excitement. That’s good. It’s how it should be.

I’m so thankful that this all happened several weeks ago. When a new chance at happiness came into my life, I was able to approach it unfettered with any nagging leftovers from before. It’s an amazing feeling, and I’m a very lucky girl.

I Stalked a Boy and I Liked It

I saw him first on Tinder – a dating app that incorporates Facebook to compare your common interests, mutual friends, and location. If you and your match select “yes” for each other, a chat message feature is unlocked. I’ve been told that some people only use it for a hook up system – others use it to find someone to date. Me, I was using it for research. Yeah, research. I swear. No really. Uh huh.

I’d had a few chat messages with folks, some I already knew, but nothing magical. One guy’s idea of flirting with me was to assure me “I’d blow ya” repeatedly. This was after informing me he was a professor at UNC-Charlotte teaching classes in public speaking and writing. Really? That’s the best shot you’ve got?

Most people answered back within a day or two of matching. Well, except for one. Every time I received a heads up that there was a new chat message, I kept hoping it would be him. But alas, no: it was the “I’d blow ya” guy with another eloquent come on.

In frustration, I clicked on his profile again to see if there was something wrong with him that I could use as salve for my bruised ego. I mean, c’mon, I’m a catch y’all. He still didn’t have any flaws, except one. He hadn’t logged in for 3 weeks.

AAUUGH! How can you not log in when I’m waiting for you to reply?? How dare you!

But wait. We have mutual friends! On Facebook! I could find him!

I asked my friends if this was creepy, and they looked at each other and said “Yes!” but I didn’t care. It was at least worth a shot.

So I stalked him off a mutual friend’s page, friend requested him and he added me back almost immediately. We started chatting and I confessed that I had stalked him from Tinder. (I mean, what if he logged in to Tinder after and then saw that I had messaged him weeks ago – now THAT would be creepy). This way all the creepy was right up front and he seemed okay with it.

Long story short? We met in person and have hit it off really well. To quote a phrase, we are smitten. Indeed, we are in “deep smit.”

I’ve broken several rules this time around, including my “not-declaring-a-potential-new-relationship- before-90- days” rule. Sometimes, rules are meant to be broken. Or at least tested for validity. For research. Yeah, research. I swear. No really. Uh huh.

*dances off happily*

In Case of Emergency

Lately, I’ve been dealing with an avalanche of medical issues. It’s tough to admit when you are physically falling apart. As I’ve been wending my way through the myriad of doctor’s visits and consultations, I go through the normal rigmarole: name, rank, serial number.

All my visits have been in network, so once you update your information, it generally updates across the board instantly. After a day of several appointments and referrals, I found myself just nodding along absentmindedly as they rattled everything off. Until the last appointment of the day, when surprisingly they still had my ex-boyfriend listed as my emergency contact.

“Umm, no – wait – that’s wrong,” I stammered. “He’s no longer, I mean, well . . . let me give you my mother’s name.”

I flashed back to three years ago, the last time I had been at this medical facility. I had felt some shooting pain in my chest and left arm and just couldn’t sleep. Although I was fairly confident I wasn’t having a heart attack – I didn’t relish the idea of just ignoring it and waking up dead.

My sleepy headed boyfriend answered my late-night call and agreed to meet me at the ER. I tiptoed past my sleeping roommate’s bedroom and drove myself over. After being given some powerful drugs and being reassured I was going to survive, my boyfriend drove me in his car back to his place and took care of me.

It’s nice having someone like that – someone that will just be there for you – even if it means getting out of a warm bed into a cold car. He was also good at asking questions, researching options, and knew me well enough to just take control and make the decisions.

I would be lying to say I don’t miss that.

Now, my emergency contact is my mother: someone I love dearly, but who lives over two hours away and approaches life differently than I do. I’m the Mary to her Martha; the cricket to her ant. We do not agree on so many things, and yet, who else do I choose? I don’t have the kind of relationship with any other nearby family member where I would trust that my desires would be respected.

I have many good friends who live close by, and they have all been kind and asked how they can help. It’s what you do but how often do you really take someone up on it? (I’ve suggested that there are always dirty dishes and laundry – everyone finds that very funny. Frankly, so do I, but one can dream.)

My young roommate and Rocker have both gone with me on some of my appointments, and have run trips to get meds and milk (I’m addicted to milk, I swear) and held my hand. But a friend should not take on the immense burden of being your “In Case of Emergency,” especially when that is not just a vaguely possible perhaps. I mean, I’ve got stuff happening here and now. Being an “In Case of Emergency” requires a level of commitment that only a very close friend could even begin to handle.

This is where we as single girls must put on our big girl pants and just have to do it ourselves. Sure, I share and ask advice and get comfort – but these are my decisions and life choices – good and bad – and I have to make them, not rely on others.

It’s tough being a grown-up.

This morning I was chatting with a friend at work. Her dog that she has had for 16 plus years was recently, mercifully put down. She didn’t want to talk about it. The tears welled up in her eyes anyway.

Now,” she whispered, “I have to admit that I really am living alone.

I hugged her.

“I have a lovely gay roommate you can borrow,” I told her.

It made her laugh but then we both fell silent. No matter how many friends you have, and how social you are, the fact that sometimes you have to go it alone doesn’t change. Even when someone shares your home, it’s not the same as someone who shares your bed.

I’m not afraid to be alone. I’ve chosen to be single when I’ve had other options, more than once. It’s not the times that things are easy, but when things are tough, that you grow stronger. You have to become strong to make it – we can’t be coddled through and expect to survive.

Just don’t shut me out,” Rocker tells me. “I respect that you are dealing with this on your own, but don’t assume that just because I hold back I don’t care. I still want to know what’s going on.”

I appreciate that. Trust me, I’m not the big brave girl. I would much rather be the little girl in the big, comfy bed – telling someone else what is hurting and letting them fix it. It’s just not an option right now.

I remember as a child listening to radio personality Paul Harvey tell the story of Florence Nightingale – crusader of modern nursing. How she left her own sickbed for three years to take care of wounded soldiers in the Crimean War. When the war was over, she went back to her sickbed and letting others care for her.

Whether that version is true or not, I’m not sure. But I think about it a lot. How sometimes, we just have to get up and do, and not expect others to do for you. We got to be our own best emergency contact.

Just do me a favor. In case of emergency, please don’t break me.